3/6/11
I’m the kid who can’t get anything right,
Even when I’m going well I’m still so behind
other kids my age, stuck with this rage
that I can’t will myself to escape,

All my friends are starting to leave this town,
But it’s got it’s hold on me and it’s still pulling me down,
I’m just the kid left on pause
as you all speed through fast forward,

I’m just left here stuck in place alone,
While everyone else moves out of home
and I, I’m still here, consumed by fear
that I can’t seem to make disappear,

All my friends are starting to leave this town,
But it’s got it’s hold me and it’s still pulling me down,
I’m just the kid left on pause
as you all speed through fast forward,

And I’m stuck worthless and afraid,
And so ashamed, so ashamed,
And I can’t live like this forever,
But I can’t put the pieces together,
And I’m stuck worthless and afraid,
Stuck inside this rage, so ashamed,

All my friends are starting to leave this town,
But it’s got it’s hold on me and it’s still pulling me down,
I’m just the kid left on pause
as you all speed through fast forward,

And I can’t fix it, this is it, my entire life is this sick existence,
And I can’t reverse it, this is me, my entire life is so, so sick,
And I’m the one who always gets left behind no matter
how hard I seem to try, I will never be good enough.

I'm sorry

3/6/11
I know I’m your biggest shame,
In hindsight your biggest mistake,
Let’s turn back the clock and see,
Would you have let me bleed,
Would you have let me go?
Because I know,

I’m sorry I was born this way,
Or I’m sorry if I evolved all wrong,
It’s been so long,
I’m sorry I’ve turned out this way,
I’m sorry you’re ashamed,
I’m sorry for everything.

I know you wish I were gone,
Far away or my life just done,
Let’s pretend that I don’t exist,
Would you have allowed this?
Would you have pretended?
This could be the end of,

I’m sorry I was born this way,
Or I’m sorry if I evolved all wrong,
it’s been so long,
I’m sorry I’ve turned out this way,
I’m sorry you’re ashamed,
I’m sorry for everything.

I know I’m your biggest,
I know I’m your worst,
I know I’m the only thing that ever went wrong for you,
And I know that you waited so, so long for me
but I know I’ll never get myself together,
And so should you,
Disown me,

I’m sorry I was born this way,
Or I’m sorry if I evolved all wrong,
It’s been so long,
I’m sorry I’ve turned out this way,
I’m sorry you’re ashamed,
I’m sorry for everything,

I know I’m the only thing that ever went wrong for you,
Let’s turn back time and see,
Would you let me just bleed out?
Let’s change this all and see,
If you would have been happier without me,
Let’s turn back time and pretend,

This could be the end.

3/6/11
I took a bath full of bleach
and I’m still not clean,
So I got a hose of gasoline
burnt myself but I’m still
so dirty, I’m not clean,

I’m not cleanable, I’ll always be this way,
Dirty and so afraid, full of rage,
I have scrubbed a thousand times
As I let these eyes cry behind,

I scratched off all my skin
but I still couldn’t let you in,
So I peeled off all my skin
but I still couldn’t show you
what lies within,

I’m not trusting you, I’ll always be so sick,
Dirty and always questioning this,
I have tried, I swear I have tried
But I can’t cry with you so close,

I clawed my way into my chest
just to check if there were anything left,
It was withered, it was broken,
It was alone but it was there,
Just waiting, just biding time,
I clawed my way into my chest
just to check if there were anything left.

I’m not heartless, I’m just so ill,
Dirty and looking for a new thrill,
I have tried abstinence, it was okay
But I can’t live with you watching every move,

Just turn away and let me do this my way,
Just turn away and let me cry behind your back again,
Just turn away and let me do this my own way,
Just turn away and let me die behind your back.

16/5/11
Oh I could be a tree with branches
or I could crawl into your perfect box,
Oh I could branch out from this
or I could be your perfect pet

and you would never forget
to keep me fed, to keep me dry,
to keep me locked inside your eyes,
and you would never forget,

Oh I could be an entire beach
or I could be the shell you take home,
Oh I could crawl against the grain
or I could be trapped in this

and you would never forget
to keep me well, keep me dry,
to keep me locked inside your mind,
and you would never forget,

Oh I could be everything,
Oh I could be anything
or I could be your absolutely nothing,
Oh I could be everything
or I could be whatever you’d like,
Oh I could be your absolutely nothing,

and I bet you forgot my name as soon as your eyes found the very next word.

Breathe

19/5/11
You know that moment when
you remember the dream you had
was the worst nightmare you’ve ever had
and you wonder how you’re head
came up with such a dire consequence to

just breathing, breathe in,
breathe now and just breathe out
hoping the whole world doesn’t
just crash down around your whispering,
you need to scream but you just fade,

You know that moment when
you decide you never liked what you had
you never liked what you tried to have
and you wonder how you ever found
yourself six feet underground

just breathing, breathe in,
breathe now and just breathe out
hoping the whole world doesn’t
just crash down around your whispering,
you need scream but you just fade,

you just change colours with your environment,
you’re supposedly a mammal not a cold blooded animal,
you need to reach out, scream out, rip out,
you just fade into the background now,
you need to stretch out, scream your lungs out, rip out
everything you need have to make your life worthwhile now,

now is it too late to change your fate?

just breathe in, breathe in,
breathe now and just breathe out,
grabbing everything you’ve got now,
don’t let the world crash down around
your screams now, scream now,

you can’t afford to fade again.

20/5/11
Memories wash over me like dirty water,
I scrub and I scrub something fierce,
and then I drink and drink some more
until I’m face down on the floor,
But at least those memories are gone for one more day,

How can I learn to love when I still hate
the entire world? How can I learn to love
anything other than hating everything?

It’s amateur and it’s full of feeling,
Sometimes professionalism is fake,
So I carve and I carve ‘til I fall asleep
and I just let it all out, let it all bleed,
at least it’s not filling up my insides for one more day,

But how will I ever learn to love when I still hate
every single one? How can I learn to love
anything other than just hating everything?

It’s at boiling point, all my blood rushes to the tips of my very skin,
And all the air has left my body as I try to yawn from pure exhaustion,
As I try to scream from a pain I’ve never felt more real,
But I hold everything in but the air is gone,
I hold everything in and it’s at boiling point,
All my everything rushes to the tips of my very skin,
All my everything crushes my very silent tongue,

And how will I ever learn to love when I still hate
every single thing? How can I learn to love
anything other than just hating everything?

And while iceblocks gather up inside my throat,
My tongue emerges itself just trying to drown,
And while iceblocks cut off my airways,
My tongue just cuts itself all over,
And while I struggle to breathe I find I cannot speak,
My tongue jumps off the very edge of this.

My heart calls for...

20/5/11
And I write because my tongue is a bloody mess
and my fingers will be soon ‘cause I can’t fight this battle
with no bloodshed,
But my fingers have bones and knuckles and grip,
And I’m never going to let go of this,

So you can try and weave your lies,
And you can try and tell me that this world
is too hard to make it in as a writer,
There’s no call for, well my heart calls for
and for now, that’s plenty, that’s more than enough.

And I write because my heart is crawling onto my sleeve
and I hate to let you know what I’m thinking so I have to write
a little obscurely,
A riddle here and an embellishment there,
Sometimes I have to remind myself to come up for air,

So you can try and drag me down,
And you can try and tell me that this world
is too hard on every writer,
“There’s no call for”, well my heart calls for
and for now, that’s plenty, that’s more than enough,

And I write because it’s what I am inside this vessel
an emotional being with one thousand secret that my tongue
just can’t wrap around,
And my fingers do push ups to keep up their strength,
And sometimes I have to remind myself to filter my head,

So your negativity won’t wash off,
No it won’t wash off all over me,
I know there’s call for, I’m not the only heart
that calls for, and there’s plenty of beating out there,
So I know there’s call for.

20/5

20/5/11
And you thought you could save me
And I hoped you would just hold me,
And you thought you could climb every hoop,
And I was right behind you,

Yeah I held you right in place
just to save face,
Yeah I held you right in place
just to make you feel safe,
What a load of.

And you thought we were doing well
and I hoped you wouldn’t turn around,
And you thought you could save me,
And I hoped you would just hold me,

Yeah you held me right in place
and I saved face,
Yeah I held you right in that dark place
just to make you feel safe,
What a load of.

“Where’s that money that I worked so hard for,
Where’s that key that I told you to leave,
Where’s my anything, where’s my dignity,
I know you flushed yours but I didn’t give you mine,
Where’s that money that I left on the counter,
Where’s that key that I yelled for you to leave,
Where’s my everything, where’s my dignity,
I know you flushed yours but I didn’t give you mine”,

And then you put your arms around me and I felt the hatred
fill me to the brim and I pushed you away but you said
“just let me let you feel safe, I know you stole from me again,
but we can do this, we can get through this together,
I’ll just lock up my valuables at nighttime,
And I’ll pin you to this bed until you detox”

But I’m retoxing every time you blink, I’m sorry,
But I’m in dire need of a retox because I can’t lie to you again
without anything deep inside my nervous system.

High School

20/5/11

All the teachers they knew I was a sick kid
so I was pretty much let off for everything,
I didn’t have to do this, I didn’t have to do that
‘cause I had low self esteem and I hated working
in partners or teams so I’d just skip class
but my sickness charm doesn’t last
in the real world.

I miss high school where all my stupid crimes
could be erased by simply writing lines,
where I met all of my best friends
in a room that was labelled detention,
where we could all repent and be forgiven,
Oh the simple days.

Never had to work more than a couple of hours
without having recess and lunches or time out’s,
‘Cause I wasn’t setting the best example for star student
but and I don’t mean to brag but I didn’t have to try
to get good grades, I just did
but my teachers were right ‘kid
you can’t get everything by doing nothing’

I miss high school where all my stupid crimes
could be erased by simply writing lines,
where I met all of my best friends
in a room that was labelled detention,
where we could all repent and be forgiven,
Oh the simple days.

And now laziness is my biggest crime
and my biggest enemy is passing time,
I have no job because I still have low self esteem,
I have few friends cause I still hate working in teams,
And I can’t be forgiven for the things I’ve done,
Oh life is so much more than...
High school was simply simple if you had the brains
and after high school well then comes all the pain
that I sung away, I drunk away, I acted away,
And if I thought high school made me sick
well I guess I hadn’t yet met this.
And now I can hear my teachers in my ears,
“You are selling yourself short and you can’t
have anything if you don’t try anything,
You are selling yourself so short”

Knife

16/5/11
Betrayed again in such a nice place
where holding hands no longer means a thing,
Showed the truth again, why can’t I take
the fact that you’re not a single thing you say,

With one hand you hold mine
with the other you knife my,
With one hand you stroke
with the other you knife my,

Rumours are taken as the only truth
so divine are all your crazy messed up lies,
I just don’t want to believe that you don’t
believe in me, that you will never, no you won’t,

With one hand you hold mine
with the other you knife my,
With one hand you stroke
with the other you knife my,

Well you may as well have scissor hands
for all the pain you throw through me,
With one hand you hold mine so delicate,
with the other you work the knife in,
With one hand you stroke so gentle,
with the other you twist the knife in,

With one hand you held mine,
with the other you held a constant knife,
With one hand you stroked
with the other one you knifed my spine

so I couldn’t move away from you,
And now you’re hand is just back in mine,
The rumours, the lies I take as fact,
You paralysed my resilience.

Lights, Camera, Action, Jump

20/5/11
And what if I pointed out that none of this was real,
You’re fictional and I’m the way I want to be
deep inside my sick psyche,
And what if I pointed out that none of this was ever real,
The ring I bought you was fictional and I’m just
trying to be me somewhere.
Fake relationships make me feel at home,
And nothing has ever felt more real than the things I make up,
Fake dramatics are somewhat comforting,
Sometimes I wish I lived on a television screen so everything
would be sorted out eventually,
And you always got a sneak peek at what would happen next week,
Prepare!

And what if the camera’s were all switched off,
Would you still act the exact same way you do
and would I still be your favourite,
And what if the light’s were all switched off, packed up,
Would I still get any more action from you and
I’m just trying not to act with you.
Fake relationships make me feel at home in bed,
And nothing has ever felt more real than the things I make up,
Fake dramatics are somewhat comforting,
Sometimes I wish I lived on a television screen so everything
would be sorted out eventually,
And you always got a sneak peek at what would happen next week,
Prepare!

If I just had the chance to foresee the entire future
I could decide if this was ever going to be worth it,
Make my decision right now whether I want in or I want out,
If I just had the chance to see into the next season
I could decide if this was even going to be worth this,
Make me decision right now whether I want a crowd or,

Fake relationships make me feel at home (in bed)
Closed eyes, open camera’s and such light (shining)
Fake dramatics are somewhat comforting (in bed)
Sometimes I wish I lived on a television screen so everything
would play out well eventually,
And you always got a sneak peek at what would happen next week,
Prepare!
And I know my show would be the one with a tragic end,
Like light, camera, action, jump!
Like light, camera, action, swallow the whole contents,
Cause you can never fulfil this so sick head,
Like light, camera, action, jump!
Like light, camera, action, I think someone replaced the tic tac’s
I was meant to use, oh hang on, that was all a plan but I’ll act
one last time and pretend to be shocked,

And I know no matter how much I prepare,

I can’t see whether any of this will be worthless.

And on the tv they get over deaths so easily,
So won’t you move on and leave me.

Severed Spine

16/5/11
You don’t just stab me, you twist it all inside me
so my guts are all out of place, I can’t make sense
yet my feet just keep taking me back to you.

And then, the finishing move, you cut my spine,
And I cannot even shrug my shoulders at your disorder,
And then, the finishing move, you paralysed
more than my lame body, now I cannot see anything,

You don’t just lie to me, you create an entire web
and I am your pathetic fly to capture, I can’t crawl
out of this, the lies and the truth become indistinguishable.

And then, the finishing move, you cut my spine,
And I cannot even shake my head at your disgusting,
And then, the finishing move, you paralysed
more than my lame body, now I cannot say anything,

You don’t just sever my spine, you cut out my tongue,
You don’t just lie again and again, you cry again and again
so I try and hold you but my arms just won’t move,
So you crawl in between them, right at home,
So you tie strings to my shoulders and I cannot move you from me,
You don’t just sever my spine, you cut out my tongue,
And you tie strings to my shoulders and make my arms
find you once again,

And you only cut my spine so you could move me,
And you only cut my spine so I couldn’t move,
And you only cut my spine so you could have control,

And I cannot even shake my head at your behaviour,
And you paralysed my entire psyche, now I cannot resist

and I am all yours, thinking why am I here at all.

The glass begins to slip from my grip,
And with my other hand, I grab at my wrist,
And quickly guide the drink to my waiting lips,
And then everything is oh,
And everything is quite alright.

And I, and I, and I
only last a couple of days
I know I am a failure,
I shouldn’t be in this room,
But in my own sculling away,
I’m only twenty,
I’m not quite ready,
To change my life.

The liquids quickly begins to disappear,
I watch it sink and sink and right in my ear,
‘Just one more, it won’t hurt’ is all I hear,
And then everything is oh,
And everything is quite alright.

And I, and I, and I
only last a couple of days
I know I am a failure,
I shouldn’t be in this room,
But in my own sculling away,
I’m only twenty,
I’m not quite ready,
To change my life.

So, so quickly I throw this down
so, so quickly to my calling throat,
I should be throwing this to the ground…

But I’m not ready for out.
I’m not ready to give this up.
I’m just a kid, how’d I wind up
like this? I’m just a kid,
all my friends are doing this,
I just take it a little far…
I just concentrate on keeping my eyes
alive on the way to the hospital.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010
13/5/10

I have been lying down for too long, your
footprints mark my head and stomach darkly,
I won’t do this anymore, no I am standing up
to meet you, I’ll squeeze your hand to let you know
that I am serious about this.

I am sitting up, my feet are working tough,
The bones in my back ache after such a long rest,
But I am using my spine now, oh I am using
my courage to tell you where to go.

I have let the reins fall too long, your
hands gripping white knuckled in control,
I won’t do this anymore, no I am reaching over
to take the reins, I’ll pull and pull to let you know
that I am serious about this.

I am sitting up, my feet are working tough,
The bones in my back ache after such a long rest,
But I am using my spine now, oh I am using
my courage to tell you where to go.

I don’t feel I need you anymore,
I used to say I’d be lost without you,
But now I am only confused around you,

And I took a shower and washed
every footprint off and I am holding these
reins so tight my fingers bleed,
But I am in control.

I am sitting up, my feet are working tough,
The bones in my back ache after such a long rest,
But I am using my spine now, oh I am using
my courage to tell you to…

leave me alone, I won’t lie down in front of you anymore,
I am not yours to puppeteer anymore,
And I love the sound of my back when it cracks
Because I know my spine has toughened up
and now I feel alive.
Posted by e-r-eden at 2:15 PM 0 comments 16-4-10

There’s all these songs goin’ round,
With boys screaming into microphones,
About broken hearts and bleeding wrists,
Wearing dark make up and resenting everything
and everyone, it’s a hole so deep,
an obsession, an addiction so strong.

To keep oneself so sick in one’s head,
To keep oneself so lonely all the time.

There’s all these kids that’re listenin’
to other kids screaming into microphones,
About real loneliness and deep sorrow,
Wearing frowns and swallowing funny pills,
and drinks, it’s a hole so deep,
an obsession, an addiction so strong.

To keep oneself so sick in one’s head,
To keep oneself so lonely all the time.

There’s this real dangerous craze
going around where kids are all cutting,
Now despite beliefs, this ain’t a joke,
Kids smoking and wearing horrible scars,
no tears, it’s a hole so deep,
an obsession, an addiction so strong.

To never believe in anything,
Then you can’t get disappointed,
To never have any hopes at all,
Then you can’t fall any further,
What a stupid hopeless myth
What a stupid hopeless mess you’re in, kid.
Posted by e-r-eden at 2:05 PM 0 comments 14-4-10
My mind holds a ‘under construction’
sign up loud and clear, I’m not really here,
I’m just gritting my teeth and hurting my jaw,
I’m closing my eyes and trying not to cry,
And I’m aching for a poison, aching for…

you, if I could say my last words
(Can’t believe I can’t remember)
I’d make them something strong
Like I love you, simply true,
If I could say my last words, again.

My body holds a ‘under construction’
sign up not so loud and not so clear,
I’m falling apart on the inside hiding it all,
I’m closing your eyes and I will not cry,
And I’m constantly aching for…

you, if I could say my last words
(Can’t believe I can’t remember)
I’d make them something strong
Like I love you, simply true,
If I could say my last words, again.

My mind holds a ‘under construction’
sign up loud and clear, I am screaming it out here,
I’m clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth,
I’m closing all the eyes and I will not cry,
And I’m aching for more than a poison…

you, if I could say my last words
(Can’t believe I can’t remember)
I’d make them something strong
Like I love you, simply true,
If I could say my last words, again.

I am aching…

to give you my last words again,
Can’t believe I can’t even remember,
I’d love to tell you how I love you,
I’d love to hear you tell how you love me,
I hope you know, I hope you know how I
loved you so even though I never called,
I am aching to have you know.

16-4-10

There’s all these songs goin’ round,
With boys screaming into microphones,
About broken hearts and bleeding wrists,
Wearing dark make up and resenting everything
and everyone, it’s a hole so deep,
an obsession, an addiction so strong.

To keep oneself so sick in one’s head,
To keep oneself so lonely all the time.

There’s all these kids that’re listenin’
to other kids screaming into microphones,
About real loneliness and deep sorrow,
Wearing frowns and swallowing funny pills,
and drinks, it’s a hole so deep,
an obsession, an addiction so strong.

To keep oneself so sick in one’s head,
To keep oneself so lonely all the time.

There’s this real dangerous craze
going around where kids are all cutting,
Now despite beliefs, this ain’t a joke,
Kids smoking and wearing horrible scars,
no tears, it’s a hole so deep,
an obsession, an addiction so strong.

To never believe in anything,
Then you can’t get disappointed,
To never have any hopes at all,
Then you can’t fall any further,
What a stupid hopeless myth
What a stupid hopeless mess you’re in, kid.

Cities

I’m hiding my body under blankets,
Just like I’m hiding secrets under my skin,

And I’m building cities out of pills,
And the rivers aren’t running innocent water,
And I drive a car made from an old
pharmacist’s box and it goes pretty fast and crazy
when I pull on the lid-of-a-bottle steering wheel,
And my future’s being painted in blood
all over this addictive town.
I’m hiding my feelings in metaphors,
Just like I’m hiding injuries under clothes,

And I’m building cars out of old pill boxes,
The acceleration pedal pours something dangerous,
And the brake pedal is brief sobriety,
I’m driving around in circles and I’m trying to open,
I’d rather die jumping out of a moving car than…
I’d rather but the child lock has been put on,

Just like I’m hiding my sick skeletons
In a closet that never seems to end,

And don’t you know I’m not a kid anymore?
(When laughter rips open your jaw)
This isn’t funny anymore,
(When the punch line hit my gut,
then my head, then my gut again
when I was down -
sprawled and distraught)
And the tragic punch line is the fact that
I was never really a kid at all.

I hear this faint k-k-knocking
inside my head, I think it’s all my problems
reorganizing themselves in an order
that can be dealt with,

I think, I don’t count on it but I think,
it might just be hope.

I hear this faint c-c-clunking
inside my head as I recycle every bottle
and the air is replaced with a foreign
object that might help,

I think, I don’t count on it but I think,
it might just be hope.

I hear this faint s-s-screaming
inside my head – I still have issues
but sometimes I am free, for now
that will have to do,

I think, don’t you dare quote me,
this head, this heart may have found
a little hope.

The eyes are your best shot,
Because my tongue hides in the back
of my throat too afraid to even
greet my teeth let alone the light
that shines through when my lips
are pried apart, but I only ever lie.

I just bite my lip to stay silent,
I just hold my bottom lip down
with my front teeth, just so I don’t
say anything I’ll end up regretting.

The eyes are your best shot,
Because my tongue hides in the back
of my throat too shy to even
greet my teeth let alone the light
that shines through when my lips
are pried apart, but I only ever lie.

I just bite down my mind,
Just to hold the truth inside
with my fear, just so I don’t
make another thousand mistakes

Even the eyes are learning to lie,
As my tongue hides in the cave
of my throat – finding it hard to
swallow and clenched fists tell
more than my mouth ever will,
Body language is a luxury,
Body language is my worst enemy.

what a mess

It’s that flash you see out the corner of your eyes
that you have to hold on forever, never let it fall
from your two hands, you might just never find it again,

oh, what a, oh, what a mess
I have found myself immersed in,
oh, what a, oh, what a mess
I have found myself the creator of,
oh, what a, oh, what a mess.

It’s the pull you feel as it slips through your fingers
that you have to get a grip on, never let it fall
from your two hands, you might just never find it again,

oh, what a, oh, what a mess
I have found myself immersed in,
oh, what a, oh, what a mess
I have found myself the creator of,
oh, what a, oh, what a mess.

It’s the strain in your arms as you tug it all back
and ‘I’ll never let this go now that I’ve got it’
in these two hands, I will keep it pinned to my chest,

Don’t you keep your head buried
in your palms, won’t you keep your head
where your hands are, and then your head,
your wrists, your throat, your hands,
your heart might just stay intact.

oh, what a, oh what a mess
I have found myself immersed in,
oh, what a, oh, what a mess
I have found myself the creator of,
oh, what a, oh, what a mess

and oh, what a story I will have to tell
oh, when I realize these hands can
lift this chin, these eyes to a level
oh, where I look at the world, unafraid.

Poets With Instruments

18-6-10
Poets.With.Instruments.
They save lives by singing words
that I relate to, do you understand?
They are simply the poets with instruments,
A modern take on 17th century literature,

Clever word-play and a beautiful strum,
A fast wit and the strategic hit of a drum,
A voice of talent with such a range,
And they might seem a little different, a little strange,
The thing is though, they just got brains.

They save lives by singing words
that distract me from my own life,
They are simply the poets with instruments,
A modern take on 17th century literature,

Pretty patterns weaved with poised pens,
A whole record of truth worth a listen,
A clash of sounds with such a range,
And they may seem a little different, a little strange,
The thing is though, they just got brains.

They save lives by simply using words
the way they should be used in love letters,
They save lives by simply using words
the way they should be used in hate letters,

From arrogance to bouts of low self esteem,
From love to hate and back again,
A mix of feelings about such a range,
And they may seem a little different, a little strange,
The thing is though, they just got brains.

They are simply the poets with instruments.

The Beach

1/10/10

The beach holds such mixed memories for me,
With my first love we watched the sea,
We watched the waves crush the shore,
We ran, we played tag in the sand,

But we didn’t last – I broke his heart,
Wore him down with my war story,
So I wouldn’t be the only one breaking,
Blame game no wait, I’m just so sorry.

The beach holds such mixed memories for me,
With my best friends we sat in the sea,
They talked while I felt so out of place,
I drank, they ran, I cursed the sand,

We didn’t last – I broke their hearts,
Wore them down with my war story,
So I wasn’t holding everything inside,
Blame game, no wait, I’m just so sorry.

I’d drink the entire sea if it gave me that feeling,
I cursed every mouthful that didn’t,
It cost me more than money and headaches,
I’d eat the entire beach if every grain were a pill,

The beach – it brings out the worst in me,
With only myself now I watch the sea,
I watch the waves collide around me,
I bend, on my knee’s, I hope God can hear me,

“I need something consistent,
I need someone who can take my story,
So I don’t have to feel all alone and broken,
I’m tired of always feeling sorry.
Amen”.

"why"

5/10/10

I’m puzzling today about why
people would want to befriend me,
I’m so unworthy, I don’t understand it,
I can’t see any kind of good reason

why you’d nearly kill yourself
just trying to save me,
I guess I nearly killed myself
trying to save you too.

I’m sitting all alone and wondering
why I have a phone when it goes off
and I wonder who could possibly want me,
I can’t see any kind of good reason

why you’d nearly kill yourself
just trying to save me,
I guess I nearly killed myself
trying to save you too,

But you are worth more than my life,
You are worth more than a thousand tears,
Yet I think you sit alone and wonder

why I’d nearly kill myself
just trying to save you,
Well you nearly killed yourself
trying to save me too,

You are still my everything,
And I am still a good for nothing.

Honesty

Honesty

6/10/10

Honesty doesn’t agree with me,
Makes my guts squirm like worms,
Hurts my eyes so I can’t sleep,
And lets go my tongue so I can speak

But I don’t want to utter another word
or take another breath with these
never-meant-to-be lips.

For me, there is nothing worse
than vulnerability and weakening
just because you can’t keep a secret,
It kills me.

I have these double standards
which are so disgustingly distorted
having these expectations for myself
so much higher than for anyone else,

But I try not to expect anything at all
from me, I don’t want to break this
never-meant-to-be heart.

For me, there is nothing worse
than vulnerability and weakening
just because you can’t keep a secret,
this kills me.

So I try not to speak a word,
So I try not to breathe too deep,
So I try not to cut my veins,
So I try just to sleep the night through,
I try just to survive another day,
And it’s all for you, believe me,
It’s all for you,

But I don’t want to expect anything at all
from you, I don’t want to break this
never-meant-to-be heart.

Vulnerability equals healing,
Speaking isn’t weakening,
And vulnerability equals trusting,
And trusting is all based on strength,
And honesty is the only cure.

Run

Run

4/10/10
I’m yelling at my shadow
‘open your eyes this isn’t
going to last forever, there’s
a window of opportunity,
And I’m afraid it’s narrow
so you’ve got to get moving,
and kid, run that mouth
‘til your tongue is limp
and your head is free,
And kid, run that mouth
instead of those feet’.

some older stuff

11/10/10
It’s hard when you have to
talk yourself into taking every tiny step
and everyone’s expecting you
to run a marathon and get top prize,

Their expectations
require motivation,
I keep the smile plastered
the best I can,
But I fear failing despite the
distance I’ve ran.

It’s hard to comprehend
that everyone is believing in you to win
when you can’t believe a thing
you’re just trying so hard to impress,

Their expectations
require motivation,
I feel the smile slipping
into tension,
And I fear failing despite
all the attention.

I feel the pressure of the lies,
I feel their hopes for my life,
I just fear I cannot fulfill them,
I am tired of all the attention,
I never asked for it – why can’t I just
be sick and that’s it.

Their expectations
require motivation,
I paint the smile all the way
over my frown,
And I am close to failing
I’m sorry but I’m out.’

I drowned my head in you,
I drowned my head in impressing,
Now I need to work on getting better.

Fighting, screaming,
Hands trying to hold back the tide
and then drag it back out,
I thought I could swim alright
but the rules are different
in the darkest hour of the night,
In the deepest part of the ocean,
I’m unseen.

In my dreams I,
Am so desperately trying to jump
through the lines of time,
I thought I could erase this
but what’s done is done
and I’ve no power to change it,
The tidal wave screams through me,
I’m unliving.

Denial is not a river in Egypt
but I do have mommy issues,
She couldn’t protect me
But neither could daddy,
‘Cause every secret I hid
was buried deep inside a pyramid.

You can’t run from a tidal wave
Just like you can’t blow away a hurricane
But I’ve been drowning fires
in gasoline for years and years.
Denial’s addiction is the brain,
It’s like using a paper umbrella
to protect yourself from the rain.

And this pyramid heart
is slowly being dismantled stone by stone,
I’ve such a long way to go,
But at least I am letting the armor
that has been dragging down my lips and my shoulder
slowly fall, I’m sharing the weight ‘cause
Unintentionally I’m inevitably growing older.

I may not be able to control the weather
But I can make the decision to let my defenses down,
I may not be able to control the balance in my mind
But I can make the decision to never back down,

And I can wake up in the morning with the intention
to just make it through another day holding my head
up above the water.

A different kind of footprints

My body is so full of footprints -
like wet cement, I’m drawn in,
Graffiti your name, take a hold ‘cause
This is history in the making,
I’ll keep you dried inside me forever and never say,

Long after you skip town,
Long after we never really met,
Long after the G word…you will remain,
Good riddance is so easy to say,
(It’s the goodbye that’s hard)
But darling, it’s more than time,
This has been so long in the making,
(Why does it feel it’s come on so fast)

So now I’m sick of being a footpath -
I am a human, I’m not fucking concrete,
So take it back, and take this in ‘cause
This is history in the making,
Who knew you could hate someone you loved so dearly?

Long after you told another lie,
Long after I never really knew you,
Long after the G word…you will remain

Good riddance is so easy to say,
(It’s the goodbye that’s hard)
But darling, it’s more than time,
This has been so long in the making,
(Why does it feel it’s come on so fast)

So I’m not a mode of transport,
I won’t get you from point A to Z,
I’ll try to get you from not guilty to -
well no, you’ll never feel guilt,
(now that would be history worth reading)
‘Cause in the end you are nothing like me after all,

Long after I screamed,
Long after I said ‘enough!’,
Long after the G word was never uttered,

Well my chest is not for your foot,
So I say, so I say, with so much difficulty,
so I walk away, so I walk away,
If it was easy it wouldn’t be worth doing,

Good riddance and goodbye.

13/1/11
Do you feel you shoulder all the blame,
Do you feel even an inch of my pain,
Do you live like me - every day the same,
I go over the memories again and again,
And it makes me hate myself,

I am so dirty, I cannot get clean,
I am so desperate that
I even tried using gasoline
to burn away all of my scars
but all it did was burn away
any hope I dared to have last.

I have been told ‘kid, grit, get over this,
You’re holding too tight onto the past,
Why the hell can’t you move on,
I swear it is not as hard
as you are making out, have a shower,
Wake up, get on with the day’

And I inserted the tape again,
And I press rewind, play, rewind play,
I scrutinize your face to place some blame,
I live every day the same over again and again.

I am so dirty, I cannot get clean,
I am so desperate that
I even tried using gasoline
to burn away all of my scars
but all it did was burn away
Any hope I dared to have last.

My lungs feel like they’re full of water
Rather than air, yeah, I’m drowning,
while you’re yelling ‘grit your teeth, kid’,
Well all that does is trap the water in,
And make me drown a little bit faster, oh
I can hardly breathe.

I am so dirty, water is so weak,
I am so desperate that
I even tried to burn my heart
clean with a can of gasoline,
But all it did was burn away
my entire identity, my face.

the Yellow Black Road

14/1/11

The Yellow Black Road

I thought I was doing alright,
I thought I was right on track,
Then they told me this yellow
brick road is actually deep, dark black,

You coloured over it and I didn’t even notice,
Well just how weak-willed am I?

Now there’s something wrong with you
if you find fun in fooling others,
Now there’s something wrong with me
if I let others treat me like concrete,
My body is not a footpath.

I’ve written so much today it’s a wonder
my fingers are still attached.

Life was finally turning a corner,
I was finally feeling okay,
Then they told me this yellow
brick road is actually deep, dark black,

So where the hell am I heading?

Now there’s something wrong with you
if you find fun in fooling others,
Now there’s something wrong with me
if I let others treat me like concrete,
My body is not a footpath.

Thought I was heading in the right direction,
Seems I was tricked, played for a fool,
I will not let this perturb me from my way,
I will keep fighting and take a scrape
of every recommended track from now on.

Now art is meant to be beautiful,
Why would you turn it into something so ugly?
Now art is meant to be so beautiful,
So why am I such a disgrace?

i miss you.

this is so fucking typical it's not funny but for some reason i like it XD ANGST.

26/1/11 I Miss You.

A typical ‘I love you’ song,
Yeah, get your bored ears on,
You think you’re doing me some good,
Ignoring every text and every call,
My insides feel all shuffled up
like the cards I’ll never fold for you,

I miss you baby,
I miss you,
There’s nothing else in this chorus
‘cause the verses say it all,
The most important line is this,
I miss you baby,
I miss you.

A typical ‘I miss you’ song,
Get your ‘heard it before’ ears on,
You don’t even think of me anymore,
Not bothering to reject every single call,
Just letting it float up over your head
like the love I have for you,

I miss you baby,
I miss you,
There’s nothing else in this chorus
‘cause the verses say it all,
The most important line is this;
I miss you baby,
I miss you.

A typical ‘slit my wrists’ song,
‘Cause ‘I miss the only girl’ song,
‘Poor me, pour me another’ song,
I’ll sing ‘til my lungs come up my throat,
Like the love that crushes my chest,

I miss you baby,
I miss you,
There’s nothing else in this chorus
‘cause the verses say it all,
The most important line is this;
I miss you baby,
I miss you.

Baby, I miss you,
I miss you.

31/1/11
I went to sleep in my own life
And I woke up as Jesus Christ,

I took for granted my disciples,
Then Judas shoved me in the back,
I’l l admit a sin – I thought suicide could be nice,
You see this way of talking,
preaching some feel the need to call it
Is all simply an act – I am within each of you,

I have been hurt by a friend,
I have cried in wonder,
I have questioned the end,
I have made a thousand blunders,
I have felt sick at the thought
of what I must to do to make it right,

And I see them approach with nails,
And I feel no fear for I am fulfilling my destiny,
And I see them approach with nails,
Despite the pain I do smile at the blood,
For this is all for you,
For this is all for you,

And I wake up as myself again,
I almost forgot to breathe in my sleep,
Then I remembered it’s more than a dream.

My Light And Dark

3/2/11
My light is finally getting a little watering
And my dark is so much more than envious,
My light is finally getting some spotlight
And my dark is always lurking backstage,

And when my light walks off stage,
My dark grabs her around the throat
and whispers ‘next time, half the time,
The way it’s always been, I know
there’s new management
and all these brand new plans,
But we all know who’s in charge here’
And he lets her go with a warning snarl.

Crying, she wails all night but I don’t know what to do,
Crying, she wails all night but I block my ears to the sound,
Crying, she wails all night but I don’t know how to comfort.

My light defies and continues to show
And my dark is growing so very distraught,
He’s so unused to being second best
And my dark is growing a little weaker,

Or am I growing a little stronger with a new torch here?
Or is this flame allowing the light to shine brighter?
Or am I growing a little courage with a newfound spirit?

And when my light walks off stage
And he grabs her again,
she wails loud enough for me to hear
And I come and I say
“Dark, back off, you might have had reins
for here quite a while
but I’m putting you in your place,
This isn’t right, it’s never been okay,
But now I’ve a voice of my own,
And I’m going to let my light show’.

Addiction

1/2/11
There is a war in my throat,
The bile versus the drink,
Up or down? Down or up?
Let’s go up, then down
and repeat. Get it out now
to just get it back in.

Addictions aren’t meant to make sense.

My entire mouth is a desert,
The roof like sandpaper,
Waiting for the drought
to end, when it rains
here it storms. A thunderclap
as my head hits the table.

Addictions are more than a weakness.

A hazy roof greets me upon waking,
My body is so much more than shaking,
Can I stand? Can I walk? I check
I am okay, I survived another day of this
harsh treatment,
And relief washes through as I fill
my throat with victory and let the cycle begin again.

There is a war in my throat,
The bile versus the drink,
Up or down? Down or up?
Let’s go up, then down
and repeat. Get it out now
to just get it back in.

Addiction is an impatient desert.

I never felt closer...

9/2/11
Hands on hands leads to entwine fingers,
I never felt closer until…
(It’s a pity this is a game inside my head)

Your warm cheek under my young palm
I never felt closer until…
(A game is too easy a word, let’s think)

You place your hands around my face,
those eyes could never fail
(A second reality may suit this better)
Your breath is so close I taste it,
my shaking so visible
(A preferred reality may suit even better)

You tighten, your bottom lip rests on mine,
I never felt closer until….
(Oh, I pray let this be real)

Tastes just like gold, just like intimacy,
I never felt closer until…
(Oh, I beg let this be real)

And each one of your fingers is possessed
by an entire expedition
(I explore another reality that’s really not)

And your hair through my fingers feels,
I never felt closer until…
(I pray trick my eyes)

As I pull you closer, as you balance
your weight over my body,
those eyes could never fail

And then so gently you lower yourself,
I never felt closer until…
(I pray let me get confused)

Finally our tongues tie around one another,
I never felt closer until,
(Let me mix up my two worlds)

I beg let me get confused
(as your body covers mine)
I’m trying to talk myself into believing
(as your hand runs circles)
this is the real world and the other
(as your hair tickles my neck)
mundane, boring world is the
(as your breathing quickens)
fake.

Please deceive me into this.

I never felt closer until…

You Were The Dark

You didn’t fill the dark -
you encouraged it.

You didn’t find the light -
you turned it off.

You weren’t the sun -
you closed the curtains.

You didn’t find the emergency generator,
You blew out every single candle,
So I would be in such need,
And there you kept me,

In the dark.

You didn’t fill the dark -
you ignited it.

I scaled the walls for years -
to find the switch.

I was always trying to peek -
through the gap.

I wanted to find just a tiny bit of light,
But how on earth could I with you,
You stood in front of the sun,
So only shadows could live on.

14/3/11

14/3/11

I’ve lost my drive -
my weak feet
are on the pedals
but the engine
is not running.

I pump and pump,
I’ve slept and slept,
Trying to renew,
Trying to refresh
the drive I not so long ago had,
But I can’t find it,
And I can’t weep
because I refuse to be that weak.

I pump and pump
until my feet blister,
Trying to fight,
Trying to hear whispers
of the drive I not so long ago had,
But I can’t see it,
And I can’t weep
because I swear not to be that weak.

Double standards I create
will kill me, that I know,
I am just not sure I care,
The things I have done,
Sure I will reap what I sow,
And all of this, I know,
I am just not sure I care,

I stand, I sit, I sit some more,
I lay down staring at the door,
But I can’t quite mould my hand
to the door that I can no longer understand
So I sit, I sit and I sit some more.

I’ve pumped and pumped,
Hell, I’ve slept and slept,
Trying to renew,
Trying to refresh,
The whole time simply begging

for death.

Stay Gold

3/4/11
And you’re a blank canvas
and I won’t dare make a mark on you,
But you say I already have made more than one,
And I won’t dare make you as dark as me,

I’ve secrets you have no part in knowing,
I’ve been places you shouldn’t roam in,
I’ve got secrets inside this chest that
would strip you off all your beautiful innocence,
And I won’t be the one to...

And you’re a blank canvas
and I wouldn’t touch you if you didn’t ask,
But you asked and I couldn’t help but just run
my fingers ever so gently across you,

And now you’re pulling at my heart
for all the secrets you know I’m keeping,
You’re begging to pull my ribs right apart,
But you don’t realise you’re compromising all your
beautiful innocence, and I won’t be...

I won’t be the one to...

If only you’d never, if only I’d been able to,
If only you’d never, if only Id been able to,
If only you’d never, if only I’d been able to
say no,
But the truth is I’m attracted to what I don’t have
and that’s where your purity comes in and I would rather break
your heart than your gold, stay gold,
But the truth is opposites attract
and that’s where your purity comes in and I would rather break
your heart than your gold, stay gold,

I’ve secrets you’ve no place knowing,
I’ve been places you shouldn’t roam in,
I’ve got secrets inside this chest
that would strip you of all your beautiful innocence,
And I promised myself
I wouldn’t be the one to strip you of all your...

But you’re pulling at my shirt,
And you’re reaching into my heart again
and I want so desperately for someone to know me,
But I won’t be the one to kill you,
And you’re pulling at my chest again,
And you’re reaching deep inside again
and I want so desperately for you to know me,
But I won’t be the one to kill you,

I’d sooner break your heart than splinter your gold,
stay gold, promise me, stay gold.

This page will contain LYRICS written by me, Emma Rose Eden.
For POETRY go to my other page, "Heart Beat In A Poem" - www.emma-eden-poetry.blogspot.com

Thanks for looking and look forward to hearing your comments and feedback!