3/6/11
I’m the kid who can’t get anything right,
Even when I’m going well I’m still so behind
other kids my age, stuck with this rage
that I can’t will myself to escape,

All my friends are starting to leave this town,
But it’s got it’s hold on me and it’s still pulling me down,
I’m just the kid left on pause
as you all speed through fast forward,

I’m just left here stuck in place alone,
While everyone else moves out of home
and I, I’m still here, consumed by fear
that I can’t seem to make disappear,

All my friends are starting to leave this town,
But it’s got it’s hold me and it’s still pulling me down,
I’m just the kid left on pause
as you all speed through fast forward,

And I’m stuck worthless and afraid,
And so ashamed, so ashamed,
And I can’t live like this forever,
But I can’t put the pieces together,
And I’m stuck worthless and afraid,
Stuck inside this rage, so ashamed,

All my friends are starting to leave this town,
But it’s got it’s hold on me and it’s still pulling me down,
I’m just the kid left on pause
as you all speed through fast forward,

And I can’t fix it, this is it, my entire life is this sick existence,
And I can’t reverse it, this is me, my entire life is so, so sick,
And I’m the one who always gets left behind no matter
how hard I seem to try, I will never be good enough.

I'm sorry

3/6/11
I know I’m your biggest shame,
In hindsight your biggest mistake,
Let’s turn back the clock and see,
Would you have let me bleed,
Would you have let me go?
Because I know,

I’m sorry I was born this way,
Or I’m sorry if I evolved all wrong,
It’s been so long,
I’m sorry I’ve turned out this way,
I’m sorry you’re ashamed,
I’m sorry for everything.

I know you wish I were gone,
Far away or my life just done,
Let’s pretend that I don’t exist,
Would you have allowed this?
Would you have pretended?
This could be the end of,

I’m sorry I was born this way,
Or I’m sorry if I evolved all wrong,
it’s been so long,
I’m sorry I’ve turned out this way,
I’m sorry you’re ashamed,
I’m sorry for everything.

I know I’m your biggest,
I know I’m your worst,
I know I’m the only thing that ever went wrong for you,
And I know that you waited so, so long for me
but I know I’ll never get myself together,
And so should you,
Disown me,

I’m sorry I was born this way,
Or I’m sorry if I evolved all wrong,
It’s been so long,
I’m sorry I’ve turned out this way,
I’m sorry you’re ashamed,
I’m sorry for everything,

I know I’m the only thing that ever went wrong for you,
Let’s turn back time and see,
Would you let me just bleed out?
Let’s change this all and see,
If you would have been happier without me,
Let’s turn back time and pretend,

This could be the end.

3/6/11
I took a bath full of bleach
and I’m still not clean,
So I got a hose of gasoline
burnt myself but I’m still
so dirty, I’m not clean,

I’m not cleanable, I’ll always be this way,
Dirty and so afraid, full of rage,
I have scrubbed a thousand times
As I let these eyes cry behind,

I scratched off all my skin
but I still couldn’t let you in,
So I peeled off all my skin
but I still couldn’t show you
what lies within,

I’m not trusting you, I’ll always be so sick,
Dirty and always questioning this,
I have tried, I swear I have tried
But I can’t cry with you so close,

I clawed my way into my chest
just to check if there were anything left,
It was withered, it was broken,
It was alone but it was there,
Just waiting, just biding time,
I clawed my way into my chest
just to check if there were anything left.

I’m not heartless, I’m just so ill,
Dirty and looking for a new thrill,
I have tried abstinence, it was okay
But I can’t live with you watching every move,

Just turn away and let me do this my way,
Just turn away and let me cry behind your back again,
Just turn away and let me do this my own way,
Just turn away and let me die behind your back.

16/5/11
Oh I could be a tree with branches
or I could crawl into your perfect box,
Oh I could branch out from this
or I could be your perfect pet

and you would never forget
to keep me fed, to keep me dry,
to keep me locked inside your eyes,
and you would never forget,

Oh I could be an entire beach
or I could be the shell you take home,
Oh I could crawl against the grain
or I could be trapped in this

and you would never forget
to keep me well, keep me dry,
to keep me locked inside your mind,
and you would never forget,

Oh I could be everything,
Oh I could be anything
or I could be your absolutely nothing,
Oh I could be everything
or I could be whatever you’d like,
Oh I could be your absolutely nothing,

and I bet you forgot my name as soon as your eyes found the very next word.

Breathe

19/5/11
You know that moment when
you remember the dream you had
was the worst nightmare you’ve ever had
and you wonder how you’re head
came up with such a dire consequence to

just breathing, breathe in,
breathe now and just breathe out
hoping the whole world doesn’t
just crash down around your whispering,
you need to scream but you just fade,

You know that moment when
you decide you never liked what you had
you never liked what you tried to have
and you wonder how you ever found
yourself six feet underground

just breathing, breathe in,
breathe now and just breathe out
hoping the whole world doesn’t
just crash down around your whispering,
you need scream but you just fade,

you just change colours with your environment,
you’re supposedly a mammal not a cold blooded animal,
you need to reach out, scream out, rip out,
you just fade into the background now,
you need to stretch out, scream your lungs out, rip out
everything you need have to make your life worthwhile now,

now is it too late to change your fate?

just breathe in, breathe in,
breathe now and just breathe out,
grabbing everything you’ve got now,
don’t let the world crash down around
your screams now, scream now,

you can’t afford to fade again.

20/5/11
Memories wash over me like dirty water,
I scrub and I scrub something fierce,
and then I drink and drink some more
until I’m face down on the floor,
But at least those memories are gone for one more day,

How can I learn to love when I still hate
the entire world? How can I learn to love
anything other than hating everything?

It’s amateur and it’s full of feeling,
Sometimes professionalism is fake,
So I carve and I carve ‘til I fall asleep
and I just let it all out, let it all bleed,
at least it’s not filling up my insides for one more day,

But how will I ever learn to love when I still hate
every single one? How can I learn to love
anything other than just hating everything?

It’s at boiling point, all my blood rushes to the tips of my very skin,
And all the air has left my body as I try to yawn from pure exhaustion,
As I try to scream from a pain I’ve never felt more real,
But I hold everything in but the air is gone,
I hold everything in and it’s at boiling point,
All my everything rushes to the tips of my very skin,
All my everything crushes my very silent tongue,

And how will I ever learn to love when I still hate
every single thing? How can I learn to love
anything other than just hating everything?

And while iceblocks gather up inside my throat,
My tongue emerges itself just trying to drown,
And while iceblocks cut off my airways,
My tongue just cuts itself all over,
And while I struggle to breathe I find I cannot speak,
My tongue jumps off the very edge of this.

My heart calls for...

20/5/11
And I write because my tongue is a bloody mess
and my fingers will be soon ‘cause I can’t fight this battle
with no bloodshed,
But my fingers have bones and knuckles and grip,
And I’m never going to let go of this,

So you can try and weave your lies,
And you can try and tell me that this world
is too hard to make it in as a writer,
There’s no call for, well my heart calls for
and for now, that’s plenty, that’s more than enough.

And I write because my heart is crawling onto my sleeve
and I hate to let you know what I’m thinking so I have to write
a little obscurely,
A riddle here and an embellishment there,
Sometimes I have to remind myself to come up for air,

So you can try and drag me down,
And you can try and tell me that this world
is too hard on every writer,
“There’s no call for”, well my heart calls for
and for now, that’s plenty, that’s more than enough,

And I write because it’s what I am inside this vessel
an emotional being with one thousand secret that my tongue
just can’t wrap around,
And my fingers do push ups to keep up their strength,
And sometimes I have to remind myself to filter my head,

So your negativity won’t wash off,
No it won’t wash off all over me,
I know there’s call for, I’m not the only heart
that calls for, and there’s plenty of beating out there,
So I know there’s call for.

20/5

20/5/11
And you thought you could save me
And I hoped you would just hold me,
And you thought you could climb every hoop,
And I was right behind you,

Yeah I held you right in place
just to save face,
Yeah I held you right in place
just to make you feel safe,
What a load of.

And you thought we were doing well
and I hoped you wouldn’t turn around,
And you thought you could save me,
And I hoped you would just hold me,

Yeah you held me right in place
and I saved face,
Yeah I held you right in that dark place
just to make you feel safe,
What a load of.

“Where’s that money that I worked so hard for,
Where’s that key that I told you to leave,
Where’s my anything, where’s my dignity,
I know you flushed yours but I didn’t give you mine,
Where’s that money that I left on the counter,
Where’s that key that I yelled for you to leave,
Where’s my everything, where’s my dignity,
I know you flushed yours but I didn’t give you mine”,

And then you put your arms around me and I felt the hatred
fill me to the brim and I pushed you away but you said
“just let me let you feel safe, I know you stole from me again,
but we can do this, we can get through this together,
I’ll just lock up my valuables at nighttime,
And I’ll pin you to this bed until you detox”

But I’m retoxing every time you blink, I’m sorry,
But I’m in dire need of a retox because I can’t lie to you again
without anything deep inside my nervous system.

High School

20/5/11

All the teachers they knew I was a sick kid
so I was pretty much let off for everything,
I didn’t have to do this, I didn’t have to do that
‘cause I had low self esteem and I hated working
in partners or teams so I’d just skip class
but my sickness charm doesn’t last
in the real world.

I miss high school where all my stupid crimes
could be erased by simply writing lines,
where I met all of my best friends
in a room that was labelled detention,
where we could all repent and be forgiven,
Oh the simple days.

Never had to work more than a couple of hours
without having recess and lunches or time out’s,
‘Cause I wasn’t setting the best example for star student
but and I don’t mean to brag but I didn’t have to try
to get good grades, I just did
but my teachers were right ‘kid
you can’t get everything by doing nothing’

I miss high school where all my stupid crimes
could be erased by simply writing lines,
where I met all of my best friends
in a room that was labelled detention,
where we could all repent and be forgiven,
Oh the simple days.

And now laziness is my biggest crime
and my biggest enemy is passing time,
I have no job because I still have low self esteem,
I have few friends cause I still hate working in teams,
And I can’t be forgiven for the things I’ve done,
Oh life is so much more than...
High school was simply simple if you had the brains
and after high school well then comes all the pain
that I sung away, I drunk away, I acted away,
And if I thought high school made me sick
well I guess I hadn’t yet met this.
And now I can hear my teachers in my ears,
“You are selling yourself short and you can’t
have anything if you don’t try anything,
You are selling yourself so short”

Knife

16/5/11
Betrayed again in such a nice place
where holding hands no longer means a thing,
Showed the truth again, why can’t I take
the fact that you’re not a single thing you say,

With one hand you hold mine
with the other you knife my,
With one hand you stroke
with the other you knife my,

Rumours are taken as the only truth
so divine are all your crazy messed up lies,
I just don’t want to believe that you don’t
believe in me, that you will never, no you won’t,

With one hand you hold mine
with the other you knife my,
With one hand you stroke
with the other you knife my,

Well you may as well have scissor hands
for all the pain you throw through me,
With one hand you hold mine so delicate,
with the other you work the knife in,
With one hand you stroke so gentle,
with the other you twist the knife in,

With one hand you held mine,
with the other you held a constant knife,
With one hand you stroked
with the other one you knifed my spine

so I couldn’t move away from you,
And now you’re hand is just back in mine,
The rumours, the lies I take as fact,
You paralysed my resilience.

Lights, Camera, Action, Jump

20/5/11
And what if I pointed out that none of this was real,
You’re fictional and I’m the way I want to be
deep inside my sick psyche,
And what if I pointed out that none of this was ever real,
The ring I bought you was fictional and I’m just
trying to be me somewhere.
Fake relationships make me feel at home,
And nothing has ever felt more real than the things I make up,
Fake dramatics are somewhat comforting,
Sometimes I wish I lived on a television screen so everything
would be sorted out eventually,
And you always got a sneak peek at what would happen next week,
Prepare!

And what if the camera’s were all switched off,
Would you still act the exact same way you do
and would I still be your favourite,
And what if the light’s were all switched off, packed up,
Would I still get any more action from you and
I’m just trying not to act with you.
Fake relationships make me feel at home in bed,
And nothing has ever felt more real than the things I make up,
Fake dramatics are somewhat comforting,
Sometimes I wish I lived on a television screen so everything
would be sorted out eventually,
And you always got a sneak peek at what would happen next week,
Prepare!

If I just had the chance to foresee the entire future
I could decide if this was ever going to be worth it,
Make my decision right now whether I want in or I want out,
If I just had the chance to see into the next season
I could decide if this was even going to be worth this,
Make me decision right now whether I want a crowd or,

Fake relationships make me feel at home (in bed)
Closed eyes, open camera’s and such light (shining)
Fake dramatics are somewhat comforting (in bed)
Sometimes I wish I lived on a television screen so everything
would play out well eventually,
And you always got a sneak peek at what would happen next week,
Prepare!
And I know my show would be the one with a tragic end,
Like light, camera, action, jump!
Like light, camera, action, swallow the whole contents,
Cause you can never fulfil this so sick head,
Like light, camera, action, jump!
Like light, camera, action, I think someone replaced the tic tac’s
I was meant to use, oh hang on, that was all a plan but I’ll act
one last time and pretend to be shocked,

And I know no matter how much I prepare,

I can’t see whether any of this will be worthless.

And on the tv they get over deaths so easily,
So won’t you move on and leave me.

Severed Spine

16/5/11
You don’t just stab me, you twist it all inside me
so my guts are all out of place, I can’t make sense
yet my feet just keep taking me back to you.

And then, the finishing move, you cut my spine,
And I cannot even shrug my shoulders at your disorder,
And then, the finishing move, you paralysed
more than my lame body, now I cannot see anything,

You don’t just lie to me, you create an entire web
and I am your pathetic fly to capture, I can’t crawl
out of this, the lies and the truth become indistinguishable.

And then, the finishing move, you cut my spine,
And I cannot even shake my head at your disgusting,
And then, the finishing move, you paralysed
more than my lame body, now I cannot say anything,

You don’t just sever my spine, you cut out my tongue,
You don’t just lie again and again, you cry again and again
so I try and hold you but my arms just won’t move,
So you crawl in between them, right at home,
So you tie strings to my shoulders and I cannot move you from me,
You don’t just sever my spine, you cut out my tongue,
And you tie strings to my shoulders and make my arms
find you once again,

And you only cut my spine so you could move me,
And you only cut my spine so I couldn’t move,
And you only cut my spine so you could have control,

And I cannot even shake my head at your behaviour,
And you paralysed my entire psyche, now I cannot resist

and I am all yours, thinking why am I here at all.